


The inevitable war for hope and love

by glitterandlube



Series: Hope and Love [1]
Category: DC Comics
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-07
Updated: 2010-08-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:37:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>DC but Kon didn't die in Crisis, and Bart is normal age and cute. It's Smallville Clark and Lex in the DCU- so I tried to fit that Clark and that Lex into comics, which gives me a little more malleability. In the comics, Clark and Lex's aren't really like this because they both think they are the height of awesomeness. Lex is right. Clark is not. For a good example of this, read the past twenty or so issues of Catwoman. I'd like to think, at some point, a SV Clark would stand back, and think, 'shit, why the hell am I doing this?' but I could be wrong!</p><p>I have to say that Superman and Lex Luthor are really well-matched as enemies. I know a lot of people say fighting Lex makes Clark look like a bully, but Lex can hold his own. He might not be Doomsday, but Lex drives Clark <i>crazy</i>. I wrote this to deal with my own issues with Superman. I think it's important to mention that I see Clark and Superman as the same person. There is a very cool comic where the JL are meeting via the Martian Manhunter's mind, and you see them as they see themselves, with Clark dressed like a farmer with a red cape.</p><p>*There are endnotes in this story to explain some of the comics storylines I mention.</p><p>Beta by Khohen1 who did an <i>awesome</i> job! Twice! Thank you! If I missed anything, it's not her fault!</p><p>This story is dedicated to GK because she and I both love Tim.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [glammelkitten](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=glammelkitten).



> DC but Kon didn't die in Crisis, and Bart is normal age and cute. It's Smallville Clark and Lex in the DCU- so I tried to fit that Clark and that Lex into comics, which gives me a little more malleability. In the comics, Clark and Lex's aren't really like this because they both think they are the height of awesomeness. Lex is right. Clark is not. For a good example of this, read the past twenty or so issues of Catwoman. I'd like to think, at some point, a SV Clark would stand back, and think, 'shit, why the hell am I doing this?' but I could be wrong!
> 
> I have to say that Superman and Lex Luthor are really well-matched as enemies. I know a lot of people say fighting Lex makes Clark look like a bully, but Lex can hold his own. He might not be Doomsday, but Lex drives Clark _crazy_. I wrote this to deal with my own issues with Superman. I think it's important to mention that I see Clark and Superman as the same person. There is a very cool comic where the JL are meeting via the Martian Manhunter's mind, and you see them as they see themselves, with Clark dressed like a farmer with a red cape.
> 
> *There are endnotes in this story to explain some of the comics storylines I mention.
> 
> Beta by Khohen1 who did an _awesome_ job! Twice! Thank you! If I missed anything, it's not her fault!
> 
> This story is dedicated to GK because she and I both love Tim.

When Clark comes into his office, Lex is almost hissing into the phone, and he has his 'I will destroy you and all that you love' look on his face.

Lex seems to be muttering something that might be, "I will kill you, and then decimate your corpse with a show pony1," but Clark is thinking he mistranslated. On the other hand, Lex. Clark shakes his head as Lex hangs up the phone. Lex stands up to walk around, but he is blocked by Clark's hulking mass leaning against the immaculate desk. Clark grabs Lex's wrist, and Lex stops and looks at him for a long moment before Clark hugs him.

Lex stands stiffly until Clark lets him go, and Clark beams his very pretty smile. Lex has a different look, one of doom, because clearly this is some kind of plot.

Clark says, "You look like you need a hug." He pauses before asking, "You didn't say anything about show ponies before, did you?"

Lex's face becomes blank as he carefully rearranges his now wrinkled suit, and answers, "I have no idea what you are talking about, Clark. Much like every other time you come here."

Clark rolls his eyes. He picks up a paperweight, and examines it closely. It kind of looks like a tiny city with actual moving people. Clark glares at Lex, "Hey, you promised you would put this back to its original size."

Lex stares back at him. "I lied."

"You need to stop doing that." Clark says as crosses his arms, and tries to look intimidating. Lex makes that face that means he's trying not to laugh his ass off at Clark because if he did, it would ruin his image.

"Sometimes I think I'm imagining you. I'm in hell, and Satan is punishing me with your annoying behavior. My other option is that all the advanced alien civilizations are brain damaged. Do you suppose the Martian Manhunter would be willing to submit to an IQ test while surrounded by the mentally challenged? "

Clark opens his mouth to retort, but has nothing clever to say back, so instead he asks, "Do you hallucinate people in bad suits a lot?"

Lex looks at Clark, and says, in a regretful tone, "More than I wish I did. This is hell, after all." He has a tiny smile, so Clark congratulates himself on a small victory. Then he holds out the paperweight, and says, "Ask me about my day."

"I don't care about your day."

Clark laughs. "That's why you stalk me right?"

"So then I already know about your day, and this is an exercise in wasting time." Lex says dryly, as he takes the globe back and sets it on his desk. Clark thinks there might have been an evil smirk there, but maybe he's hallucinating today as well. He shrugs and says, "Ask me anyway."

Lex sighs. "Clark, how was your day?" Lex is sure he needs to stop tolerating Clark and his oddities, but it's not every super-villain who has an amazing god-like arch-nemeses who wears a skin tight suit that displays every inch of his perfect physique so Lex can probably deal with it. He wonders idly if he can create a camera that works as an X-ray through Clark's suit. Something to look into for the future.

Clark's smile brightens. He enjoys when Lex agrees to play along instead of the opposite where he gets pissy and tries to shoot him with lasers. "I was late to work because a seven-foot hamster broke out of one the labs at Biodyne, and tried to eat the Kindergarten class at PS 193. I saved them all, but I kind of had to drown the hamster. Some of the kids cried. Then when I finally got to the Planet, Lois had been waiting for an hour, and dumped the coffee she made me pick up for her on my tie. At lunch, Jimmy took a picture of a walking fish that was attacking a sushi place, and called me to cart it off. I left it in Tokyo. They seemed grateful."

Lex opens his mouth, and then closes it before offering, "On the other hand, I did a lot of drugs when I was young."

Clark nods, he knows that. "How did that work out for you?"

"Badly in the long run I suspect."

"I've heard that about drugs." Clark says wisely.

"Oh, you've heard that?" Lex asks archly.

Clark quickly changes the subject, they don't need to get into his Summer of Evilness again. He asks, "What time do you want to meet for dinner?"

"Seven."

"How are we dressing?"

"I have reservations at The American Restaurant so please try to wear something that's not embarrassing. I know you have trouble with that. I blame being raised in a barn." Lex sounds bored when he says this. He's looking at the two phones vibrating on his desk.

"Kon might have to borrow one of my shirts."

Lex looks up at him in horror. "Please buy him one. Don't pick it out yourself. I would also appreciate pants if that's not too much effort for you."

"Lex, I can't exactly afford your version of dress clothes."

"Kon has a credit card for these kind of things." Lex says, impatience starting to creep into his voice, "Why are you still in my office? Leave. It's already 4:30, and if you're late again, I'm having you killed."

"With a fork made out of kryptonite? You haven't tried that yet." Clark says wryly. "Why does Kon have a credit card? You never mentioned anything about that."

"I'm buying my way into his affections. It works well I've been told." Lex says as he looks at Clark pointedly. Clark frowns. He had always been confused on that point when he was younger, because yes, he had asked Lex for a lot of stuff, but Lex had always said it was okay, and told him that Clark could ask for anything, blah blah BFF CLARK I SWEAR. Clark kind of thought it was like one of those things where women say one thing to you, and you are supposed to magically know that they mean the complete and total opposite. He doesn't know how to explain to Lex that he thinks Lex is kind of a woman.

He can really only see that conversation going in two directions, and he doesn't want to be gelded [threatened only once and did not happen because Clark ran away very very fast - despite all appearances to the contrary, Clark is not stupid] and the other way is Lex telling him what everyone else tells Clark. Namely, that Clark is the woman. Lois tells him this all the time, in a gleeful tone, that indicates to Clark that she probably doesn't have any respect for him at all. In any way. Ever. It's almost enough to make him want to stop being her coffee bitch, but then she would yell.

Of course, if they are both women, then Clark is a lesbian, and that is cool, and something else he can have in common with Diana, and oh, oops, he is still sitting on Lex's desk. Lex is casually attempting to set Clark's cape on fire. Clark rolls his eyes again. He does that a lot around Lex for some reason. Clark puts the fire out with his hand, and says, "I'm going. I'll see you at seven. We're meeting at the restaurant right? Or I am bringing Kon here so he can tell me again how he's not impressed by the farm?"

"Frankly, I'm amazed he hero worships you enough to stay there."

"It's not hero worship, he's starting to fit in."

Lex looks sideways at Clark and inquires, "Are you lying to me or yourself here?"

"Probably myself. But my parents raised me, and I didn't turn out so bad."

"I might have to disagree." Lex says, but he puts the lighter down so he's probably not serious.

"I haven't killed you or taken over the world." Clark thinks this is a very important point. Unlike some people in the room with that last one, he doesn't add. Clark respects family traditions a lot, but some of them are just unreasonable.

"I will concede a small point to you there. Also, you were leaving."

"Do you need another hug before I take off?" Clark asks brightly with a big smile. He laughs as Lex reaches for the drawer that holds the gun with the kryptonite bullets in it and flies out the window.

Kon is flying around randomly when he finds him a few minutes later. Kon's heartbeat sounds different to Clark than a human heartbeat2. There is something extra in the sound that Clark can't explain to himself but can hear perfectly. He tries to look at Kon-el, and think Son, but he didn't raise him, or hold him when he was little, and Clark has always felt a little alone, and he can't quite get over that feeling. Also, as hard as he tries, there is a part of him that knows Kon is only part Kryptonian, that's he not really like Clark, despite the stuff that makes him stand out.

He feels bad about the fact that it's pretty obvious that Kon can tell that Clark is bizarre around him for no explainable reasons, but he never says anything. Clark has hugged him a few times, and Kon lights up every time, and starts chattering happily at him, and then Clark feels a million times worse. He hasn't done that for awhile, but Kon still smiles at him the same way. He doesn't think he deserves it, but it's not something he wants to stop either.

Kon never lets Lex touch him. Lex never tried again after the first time, and his smile hadn't changed when Kon had moved away from him, but Clark had seen the hurt and anger in his eyes. The first time they went to dinner had been horrible all around. Kon refused to talk to Lex, and Lex had turned icy after twenty minutes of asking questions that were ignored by a sullen teenager.

Clark had sat at the table with his head in his hands after Lex had left, while Kon was explaining that the only reason he had shown up was because Lex had threatened his friends, again. Kon didn't know why Clark was even there, he wasn't there the last time3. Clark knew that Kon had every reason to be angry, but there was so much anger all the time from everyone in Clark's life. It made his head hurt and kind of broke his heart. When there wasn't anger, there was fear, and he wanted better for Kon, but he was helpless against it, he'd only ever been able to save people from death, he kept failing at saving them from anything else. He'd tried to talk to Bruce and Diana about the failure, but they didn't exactly have any better ideas. Bruce knew he was fighting a losing battle, and Diana had said, "People believe in you. You inspire them to be better. That's a gift as well."

He repeats that to Lex one day, who looks faintly amused and says, "I suppose you inspire me in a fashion."

Kon warmed up slightly the next time after Clark had patiently explained to him that part of the 'Saving people and the world' mission involved making Lex more malleable towards not destroying everyone, and snotty behavior wasn't cutting it. Kon had been loud, and crude, and talked about the particular assets of everyone in the room until Clark had been embarrassed and Lex had been vastly amused. Kon had remarked afterwards that at least one person had a sense of humor, and Lex questioned, "Did Clark not tell you the story about how he got a stick up his ass?" and Kon had put his hand over his mouth and mumbled, 'ohmygod, I have to go and save someone right now."Clark could hear him laughing as he flew off, and the look on Lex's face was nice even if it was at his expense.

Clark knows Kon does like coming to Metropolis, because he always looks much less tense around all the skyscrapers and people. He also knows it is easier for Kon to be Superboy, and not some fake ass hick with fugly clothes. [Kon's words.] He takes Kon and his black card [Rao4 \- that was the most ridiculous thing ever] to some horribly expensive clothing store with a name that is all random Chinese characters. Clark tries to figure out why it's called 'Water Tree House Self' but the employees are all too overwhelmed by Superman being in their store to really answer any questions.

He points at Kon and says in his best Superman voice, "Superboy needs a shirt."

Kon adds, "Superboy needs a lot of stuff! Like 500 dollar pants. And, hey, can someone go get me a new ipod? I broke mine last night saving some stupid kids who fell into a waterfall. You would think people are smart enough not to try to jump a river on a motorcycle, but I guess beer does that to you." He shrugs when Clark looks at him. Kon is the one who made Clark listen to George Carlin's people are fucking stupid routine, and it runs through his head a lot when he is on patrol.

Clark expected funny stares at Kon's request, but one employee with blue streaks in her hair pulls out a notebook, and asks, "What kind of ipod, Mr. El?" and Kon smiles hugely. Clark forgot for a minute that everyone knows now who Kon's other dad is, and that means Kon could conceivably purchase half of the known universe on name cred only. He leaves to go rescue some Frenchmen out of a burning chateau, and re-right a barge that had flipped in the Baltic. Kon is still trying on pants when he comes back. Kon is also on the phone with Robin discussing the finer points of how his ass looks in blue.

Clark can hear Tim's voice saying, "You need to call Cassie about these things" and Kon answering, "But Cassie isn't a gay man like you."

Tim sighs. "Kon, please stop saying that."

Kon says, "Dick." in a firm voice of rebuttal.

Clark sticks his head in the changing room to say, "Kon! Don't talk like that to...oh, you mean...he's twenty-six years old! They aren't dating, are they?" [Silently, Clark is very happy no sales people are back here listening to this. They all seem to be busy in the front calling everyone they have ever met to tell them Superman is at their place of employment.]

Kon laughs. "Tim wishes."

Tim says, "I don't wish. And I bought a huge chunk of kryptonite in Grant Park yesterday for ten bucks. I'm putting it in your room at the Tower."

"That's nice. Hey, if I take a picture of me in these pants, can you tell me if you like them or not? Or maybe Superman can come and get you..." Kon looks at Clark and says, "He hung up on me."

Clark walks back over to the chair and slumps down in it. He mutters, "Maybe you shouldn't call him gay."

"It's not an insult. He is gay."

"Has he said he's gay?" Clark is talking to the ceiling now. He wonders if this is something he can mention to Batman the next time he sees him. Maybe if Batman makes another pirate joke5.

"No, he keeps telling me he is dating women, but I've spent time around Nightwing, Tim has to be gay for him. I'd be gay for him."

Kon sticks his head out of the curtain at the loud crunching noise, and Clark slowly puts down the arm of the chair that he accidentally snapped off. Kon looks down and asks, "Are you a homophobe now?"

Clark grits his teeth. "Nightwing is way too old for you."

Kon makes a face at him, and says, "One, I'm dating Cassie, and two, Lex is older than you."

"What does Lex have to...is that what you meant by homophobe now? Lex and I didn't date! Kon!" Clark starts sputtering.

"You know, I have been in the same room with both of you. He stares at you like you're, I don't know, the last piece of chocolate on earth. Except I've never seen him eat chocolate. Maybe you're the last 100 dollar bill on earth. Not that it's not the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, other than that guy who was made of slime and tried to eat me and Tim, but still I'm not blind. We have perfect vision because of the alien, remember?" Kon says this last part happily. He loves his super powers.

Clark doesn't throw the chair arm at Kon, but it's only because he is a super-hero, and completely above that kind of behavior. Plus, Kon wouldn't feel it anyway, so it's a pointless gesture that would only make Clark feel petty. Kon's phone rings, and he says, "Hey, baby," in a cheerful voice and Clark takes a minute to hope that isn't Nightwing, but it's Wonder Girl and Kon is asking her to come over and help him try on pants. She giggles and says she'll be right there. Clark thinks about grounding him.

Cassie Sandmark comes in the store about five minutes later in a tiny skirt, and a half top, and disappears into the dressing room with his son. He thinks seriously about setting the room on fire with his eyes, but petty. Above this. All he needs is Lois to call and tell him how much of a loser he is, and the day will be complete. He looks down when the phone rings, but it's Diana wanting to know if Clark can find Cassie for her. Clark says, "Oh, I already know where she is, she's here molesting Kon-el in a dressing room," and smiles when he hears something break on the other end. Perhaps petty is slightly awesome. Kid Flash comes zipping into the room two minutes later, and Clark calls out, "Kon, do you need the entire Teen Titans to pick out clothes for you?" Clark really hopes Lex doesn't try to kill them all again if Kon has an ugly shirt on tonight.

There is no answer as Bart disappears behind the curtain and starts tossing pants over the side. Clark x-rays the booth to see that all of them are looking over clothes, and it occurs to him that Kon might be getting back at Lex by spending money on everyone that was hurt by Lex's 'you will be my evil minion' scheme. Clark shrugs. He's never cared about wasting Lex's money, it's kind of his funnest and only hobby. He tells himself to be shocked when Robin sneaks in, but somehow, he really isn't. Robin smiles at him and says, "Hi, Superman." Clark waves as Kon comes out of the booth in his underwear.

"Man, just come in with Bart next time. You're not a suburban legend anymore."

"You know what?" Robin starts before Cassie comes out and says, "Both of you need to shut up." She is wearing a glittery shirt, and some kind of plastic pants. Clark didn't know they even sold women's clothes here. Bart comes out in baggy pants, and a green hoodie.

Robin immediately says, "Bart, you don't need more hoodies, you have twenty of them."

"I need three hundred of them. Kon said." Bart flips up the hood and poses.

"You could be using that card to buy medical supplies for a clinic, or helping to rebuild a village instead of wasting it on frivolous items." Tim is frowning at all of them as he says this.

"I could." Kon answers flippantly. "Oh, by the way, Superman said Nightwing was too old for you. I think that's an insult considering you're a 65 year old man."

"I'm leaving now."

Kon rolls his eyes, and grabs Tim's arm, and Clark thinks, 'is the eye rolling genetic? Were my people all eye rollers? The A.I. never mentioned that.' "Get the hell back here, freak." Kon says as he wraps his TTK around Tim's Robin cape to annoy him.

Bart smiles at Clark from under the hood of the sweatshirt and says, "Hi, Superman!" Kon immediately says, "Don't call him a hick again," as Tim tries to get away from his grasp.

Cassie laughs when Bart shrugs and says, "I'd apologize, but I'm pretty sure you heard me call you that last time, didn't you6?"

Clark looks up at the ceiling again. "Kon, we're done here."

Kon nods. "Sure. Let me just get the stuff, and put my pants back on. Unless you're cool now with me flying around in my underwear? I know it's kind of a family trait."

Tim clears his throat and the other two start laughing. Kon comes out of the dressing room five seconds later, dressed, with more clothing than Clark has personally seen in his life. He hauls it all to the front, and throws the black card onto the counter while the attendants scurry around. Clark picks up the card, it reads 'Kon-El' in silver letters. He puts it down in disgust, and Cassie points out, "You know, Kon had to live in an apartment with freaking rats in it for awhile," and Kon groans. "Cassie, we don't need to talk about it. Hey, my new ipod is black. Nice! Thanks!" and he smiles at all the sales people, who look a little faint7.

It's 5:30 now, which means they have about an hour before they need to go meet Lex. Clark wants to suggest they patrol, but Kon is busy dividing up the loot, and his friends all look happy and young. Even Tim smiles when Kon solemnly hands over a bag and intones, "I'm sorry, there's nothing for Somalia in there. I'll send them some goats next week." They all disappear for awhile, and Kon shows back up at Clark's apartment at 6:30 with a bright smile. Cassie had made Clark take Kon's bag back to the apartment. She's a little scary, he has to try to tell Diana this next time he sees her. He's sure she will be very proud.

At dinner, Kon calls Lex his evil dad, and then talks about shirts for a straight half-hour. Lex looks enthralled, and kind of smug, and Clark has to excuse himself to go cry in the bathroom. When he comes back, he's hoping Kon has maybe gotten over Lex's money, and shamelessness, and tried to stab him in the hand with a desert fork. Sadly, they just moved onto talking about how Kon needs another laptop. And a car. And maybe, his own fortress of solitude. Lex says he can have the castle, and Kon laughs so hard Clark smacks him on the back, worried he's going to choke.

As dessert arrives, Cassie shows up, and tells Lex he's a jerk, and sits down next to him at the table to steal his cheesecake. Lex's jaw drops open, and Clark decides he kind of likes Kon's girlfriend a lot. She tells a long joke in Greek about something that Clark and Kon can't understand, because neither of them have read a million books about ancient Greece, but Lex _laughs_. Kon watches him for a minute before saying, "You know we're just distracting you so Robin can break into your computer and rearrange all your evil plans, right?"

Lex announces, "I look forward to that," and takes out his phone to call Tim and say, "You'd better not be in my building right now."

Tim asks, "Who is this?" as he carefully backs out of the LexCorp system on his computer.

Lex answers, "Don't make me buy Wayne Enterprises and dismantle it for scrap."

There is silence on the other end for a long minute until Tim says, "Clark, if you can hear me, tell Lex to go fuck himself and ask him how much money I wasted wrecking his lab," before he hangs up the phone. Clark starts laughing into his chocolate cake as Kon's phone rings. Clark stops laughing just enough to hear Tim threatening Kon with a very elaborate death involving magical fire, and some kind of chair with spikes. Kon says, "I swear to god if I get hit by a magical attack because of some crazy chick you dated again, I'm having evil dad burn your city," before turning the phone off.

Cassie asks, "Who attacked you?" as she eats the last of Lex's cheesecake.

Kon shrugs. "I don't know who the hell she was, I was too busy throwing up to ask. It was awhile ago, don't worry about it."

They all stare at him, and he says, "What?"

Lex asks, "When did this happen exactly?"

"Seriously, I'm fine, don't worry about it. I just had to dress up like Robin once as a favor."

Cassie waves her fork at Kon as she asks, "You dressed up like Robin?" She looks very interested.

"Yeah?" Kon starts grinning at the look on her face. "Is that something you would like for me to do again?"

Lex says, "Kon, please don't do that in front of Superman, he's delicate."

Clark hits Lex's tie with his desert fork. This new era of pettiness is starting to work for him.

Lex looks down at his tie, now covered in chocolate and looks back up slowly. Clark grins hugely, before warning, "Kon, you and Cassie might want to leave before he gets out the kryptonite."

Cassie taps her fork on the plate. "Why? It doesn't hurt me."

Lex says, "Someone needs to bring me the check right now," in a perfectly normal tone of voice, and still a waiter pretty much teleports to the table and announces, "It's already taken care of, Mr. Luthor, is there anything else we can do for you?"

"Can you kill Superman?"

"Uh." The waiter looks like he might give it a shot if Lex asks again, but Lex just sighs and shakes his head. Kon gets out of his chair and walks around Clark to lean over and pull Lex's tie off and give it to the waiter. "If you can get the stains out of it, it's yours. Or you could sell it on E-bay!" The waiter looks at Lex who nods, and he disappears.

Kon pats Lex's shoulder and says, "See, that wasn't too bad. You didn't have to maim anyone." Lex looks at his hand on his shoulder and answers, "No, it wasn't."

Clark starts trying to figure out if he can trade a hug from Kon for ceasing the war in Kasnia. It's worth a try. He'll bring it up later. The last time he asked Lex about stopping something, Lex had requested a blowjob from Clark8, and for Superman to steal him one of the Crown Jewels. Clark purposely broke Lex's desk on the way out as he said no but Lex's laughter had still followed him all the way back to his apartment. Thinking about it makes him kick Lex under the table, and Lex says, "Kon, please cover your eyes while I stab your other father."

Kon says, "Father?" in a strange voice and Lex looks up at him. "You're a product of his and my DNA so yes, your other father9."

Kon looks down at the ground and says, "Cassie and I have to go." His face is twisted up, and he holds his hand out to his girlfriend as Lex asks, "What did I say that upset you? I'm sorry, just..." as he reaches for Kon's other hand. Kon shoves him away and yells, "Oh, now you're sorry! That's nice, you want to apologize for anything else while I'm here?"

Lex snaps, "Do you have a list you'd like me to go through?"

"Yeah, why don't you start with trying to take over my fucking..." Kon's voice gets louder before Clark claps a hand over his mouth, and Kon tries to shove his hand away, and yells, "Don't touch me."

Clark drops his hand, stricken, and says, "Kon, you have every right to be mad at him but this isn't the place to..."

"That's not why he doesn't want you to touch him, Superman10. Surely you can figure that out." Lex rises out of his chair and continues, "I didn't know the word father would upset you, but I guess that trait runs in the family."

Cassie starts pulling Kon back against her and says, "We're going now, Kon, come on."

Kon spits out, "I hate you. You're a sick fuck, and your whole life is about exploiting everyone else because you're selfish and you want to hurt everyone because you hate everything you see."

Lex smiles nastily and touches Clark's arm, and intones, "Guess who you have to thank for that, Kon." Clark flinches away from Lex's hand as Kon throws a chair at him, making Lex fall into the table. He wipes blood away from his mouth and starts laughing as Kon's eyes turn red. "You exist because I willed it, don't forget that. Blame me all you want for my aims in life, but I made you, and that won't change no matter how much you wish it would." Lex straightens up and starts to walk away before adding over his shoulder, "See you next week."

Clark covers his face with his hands and says, "Shit." His life always seems to go as badly as humanly possible and he's not even human.

"He can't seriously think I'm going to meet him again? And don't talk about truth and justice, and saving the day right now." Kon kicks the table, and it splinters under his foot.

"What do you want me to do right now?" Clark asks helplessly.

Cassie says, "Kon, let's go," before she turns to Clark, and snaps, "Why don't you keep doing exactly what you've been doing the whole time, it seems to work out well for you and exactly no one else."

Both of them fly out of the restaurant, leaving Clark alone. The same waiter from before comes by, and a few of the busboys start moving the ruined table out of the way. They've seemingly had metahumans in here before, so they probably aren't even that concerned. He gets up and leaves, Lex will pay for the table, he probably owns the place. When he gets outside, he opens up his hearing and listens to all the people in the city, they're happy, miserable, yelling, calling out for help, begging, alone, and he goes to save someone, because he doesn't know what else to do.

He pulls an attacker off a woman in an alley, and she runs away, her skirt hanging off her where the guy Clark is holding ripped it in half. Clark eyes the man, his bloodshot eyes, and vacant, angry expression, and says, "I don't know why either of us want to save all of you, it's probably a lost cause." He takes the man to the police station, where he will be charged with something vague, because Superman brought him in and they can't overlook that. He leaves, and goes back to the Daily Planet, he might be able to accomplish something useful there.

The AP wire spits up stories about bombings, and children dying, and Clark thinks, 'maybe Jor-El was right' and then drops the paper he's looking at in horror. He goes to see Lex so he can practice his self-righteousness on an audience who doesn't listen. What's one more exercise in futility after a long string of them? Plus, Lex might agree with him this time, that his faith in humanity slips more every year. Clark likes to think that there's always hope, even when there is nothing else left, but sometimes that doesn't seem like it's enough. He keeps meaning to ask Diana about the story of Pandora, but after the Rock of Eternity cracked open all over Gotham, maybe he's better off not knowing what the real myth means11.

He taps on Lex's window and it slides open a few seconds later. He walks in, and goes over to the desk to say, "Kon doesn't want to see you anymore."

"He didn't want to see me the first time." Lex doesn't even pause as he shifts through the work on his desk.

"Do you want to be your father now?" Clark has to try, and it's the best point he can make right now.

"I'm greater than my father ever was, Clark. Philip was simply a stepping stone."

"I'd rather not have another lecture about Alexander the Great right now, Lex. I'm not Hephaestion, and I hope to god your father never had anyone gang-raped to prove a point."

Lex looks up, a little startled, and asks, "What? Oh. Pausanias. That's not something I would expect you to say."

Clark leans against the desk. "I stopped a rape earlier. My 990th or something. I'm starting to think my father was right, that I should rule all of you."

"It's very nice that you've decided to prove me right. Are you going to be taking over anytime soon? I need to know so I can mark in my calender to stop you."

"I'd do a better job than you."

"Please. You don't know the first thing about how to manage an infrastructure." Lex goes back to making notes on several reports in purple ink.

Clark reaches out and stops his hand. "Please don't hurt him again. Forget Philip, and Alexander, and me, and the rest of the world. Just, hate all you want, but leave him alone."

Lex puts down his pen, and says, "It's interesting, because taking him over was entirely about getting to you, and now that I know that it will, I have no interest in doing so. My plans never seem to work correctly with you."

"I'm special."

"I suppose anyone who would wear this outfit in public probably is a little bit special." Lex eyes him carefully, before smoothing his hand over Clark's arm.

"I need to stop handing things like that to you."

"I disagree, it's part of our witty banter process."

Clark is quiet for awhile, as he watches Lex go back to his note making. He thinks briefly about buying Lex some glitter pens and how entertaining Lois' reaction to seeing purple glitter ink on Lex's press statements would be for him. Since Lex appears sincere about not hurting Kon, he's not sure what else to bring up. The fate of the world again?

"Do you really think the world would be better off without me?"

"I used to think that I would be better off without you, but that's probably not correct. I don't know that meeting you made me, oh, I'd be dead if I hadn't met you, so I guess that's a moot point. I'm not sure about the world either. In some ways, you might just be throwing yourself against a kryptonite brick wall." Lex looks up at Clark. "Do you have a checklist of things to ask me about? You should ask me about my shoes next time, I actually enjoy talking about them."

"I'd rather not. Why don't we go down to the basement level garage and look at your cars instead?"

"So you can rip them apart?" Lex stabs at Clark with his pen. "I'd think you would have gotten that out of your system when you were younger."

"I never get tired of crashing your prized possessions."

Lex snorts. "You can leave my office and go fly around some more, I'm sure there is someone in India you haven't blinded with your ass."

"You bring up my costume a lot, I'm starting to suspect you secretly like it." Clark stands up and spins around, making his cape flare out. Lex says, "Please find something better to do than annoying me."

"Okay, if you go downstairs with me to look at your car collection, I will make out with you in one."

Lex looks bewildered, and says, "What? Did you get into the Red kryptonite before you came over here? I know that's your cure for depressive episodes. I'm a little surprised you're still interested in Kon's welfare when you're high."

"I'm not high." Clark huffs. "We're going downstairs, and you're going to find a car big enough for both of us to fit into, and I'm going to have sex with you in it. Now."

Lex stares at him before asking, "Am I high?" He looks down at the papers in front of him, they all look like standard LexCorp work. Maybe there is something on the paper that he can't see? He starts shuffling through them, looking for green dust12, because he's pretty sure nothing else could affect him at this point. Clark pulls him out of the chair, and starts dragging him towards Lex's bedroom. He knows where it is, but not because he's a stalker. He wonders where Mercy is, she hasn't jumped out and threatened to maim him yet. It's surprising, and Lex hasn't called for her either. Maybe hell froze over and she took a day off.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lex tries to pull away, but it's pretty pointless.

"We're going to have sex. Then we're going to call a truce, and make up, and you won't do anything horrible to Kon, and we're going to save the world."

"You just decided this?"

"Yes." Clark has them through the doorway of Lex's bedroom now. Lex is lucky he didn't just throw him over his shoulder.

"Undecide it."

"No."

"Let go of me."

"Why are you making this harder on yourself then it needs to be?" Clark asks. "I know you want to fuck me, god, Kon even said to me, which is completely horrifying."

"Say that does happen, and I'm not admitting that I want it to, " Lex says as Clark rolls his eyes, "But what makes you think I'd help you do anything? You're the one that is always in my way when I..."

Clark pushes Lex down on the bed and says, "I'm sure I'll think of something, Lex. Stop talking now." Clark peels off the top of his suit, and drops the cape on the ground. Lex really can't think of anything else that he needs to say. He's thinking, 'holy shit', pretty loudly though. Clark leans over him, and rips off Lex's shirt, and pants, and throws them on the floor before pushing the tights off and letting them fall on top of Lex's ruined clothes. Clark climbs on the bed to straddle him, and Lex mutters, "ruled by Hephaestion's thighs13."

"Just be happy for a little while, Lex." Clark whispers before he leans in to kiss him. Lex pushes his fingers into Clark's hair, and rolls them over. If they do this, he's going to be top the whole way. It takes Lex's two minutes to have Clark shuddering underneath him, and another two to push inside him. Later he can reach for every place he's been denied, but right now, they've had more angry foreplay than the rest of the world combined. Lex pretends he's not telling Clark everything he's wanted to say since he was twenty, and that he has no idea what the emotion burning in Clark's eyes promises.

When Lex wakes up the next morning, Clark is still there, and he thinks, 'I could kill him before all of this starts over.' That thought lasts until Clark wakes up and kicks off the sheet, leaving Lex to think instead, 'That education in the appreciation of aesthetics backfired on me. I'll have to raise Lionel from the dead to let him know that. Among other things.'

As he is currently in a position of weakness, he starts on the offensive.

"That was lovely, I hope you'll stop by to provide the same service very soon. I'm sure you won't take it personally when I request you to get the hell out immediately." Lex groans when he sees the earnest look on Clark's face. It's tragic how truly fucked Lex is now. He thinks disgustedly, ' Perhaps I should have just let Clark top.'

"Just listen." Clark turns Lex towards him. "This could work out really well for both of us."

"No, it will not, but unfortunately I seem to be unable to think or act rationally in your presence."

"And here I thought the death rays were just the mark of a man devoted to this work." Clark rolls his eyes again, and starts pushing Lex down, so he can rest his chin on Lex's stomach. Lex automatically moves his left hand to Clark's hair, because Clark is the devil, and his hair calls to Lex with its innate evilness. Lex has had a lot of time to think this theory through, and he's very clear on it. Like that episode of Angel, that Lex has never seen, of course, where that woman promises them all world peace, only she eats naked people.

Clark is like that, he's all goodness, and light, wrapped in a Crayola box experiment gone bad, and he's here to stop Lex from saving the world. That has to be what happened to Lex's dad, only Satan would be able to trick his father into behaving. Or Clark's mom, but that's a different idea entirely that Lex is having no thoughts about what-so-ever. Lex tugs on Clark's hair, a little meanly, but Clark doesn't feel it, just keeps smiling happily at him. Evil.

Clark continues, with less snark in his voice this time, "We could have a real relationship, where we go out to dinner, and watch a movie in your stupid personal cinema room because you hate going to plebeian theaters, and maybe you'll get lucky. Normal stuff."

"Oh? Lucky? Are you planning on rewarding me with sex if I act according to your standards?" Lex asks snidely, "Or will I be denied if I do something bad?"

Clark shoves him down, and rests his head on Lex's stomach. "How about we just have sex when we feel like it? I think that works out better for me than the past year where I've had no sex."

Lex smiles viciously. "I don't know about accepting this proposal of yours, Clark. I don't have problems with lack of sex. In fact, just yesterday, I had two..."

Clark puts his hand over Lex's mouth and says, in a prim tone, "I still don't approve of your sluttiness."

Lex laughs, and Clark smiles hugely, and lets Lex push his hand away. Lex touches Clark's face and says, "What exactly are we doing?"

"What everyone does. Only on a vast, more fucked-up scale."

"Did you actually just say fuck?" This doesn't fit in with Lex's idea of Clark's fake angelicness.

"I'm a reporter, Lex, it's not like I run around the Daily Planet yelling 'golly, gee!'" Clark moves his hands over Lex's stomach, it's really his favorite part of Lex. Second favorite. "Farmers swear a lot, too. When something breaks, when crops aren't growing well, when hot guys in silk shirts hang around their underage farmboy sons. That kind of thing."

Lex smirks. "I wouldn't know anything about any of that."

"Of course not. So, in the spirit of our new relationship, I think I should give you a blowjob, and you should take me out for coffee."

"And then you start ordering me around?"

Clark pokes at Lex, who tries to move away. Aliens with super-strength have a serious poking advantage. "I'm not going to order you around! You don't listen anyway. I am going to ask, nicely, for you to stop hurting people, and, I don't know, if I can convince Kon to hug you, will you stop selling guns to both sides of the war in Kasnia?"

"I want Kon to hug me of his own free will."

"I hate to be the one to point this out, but Kon is a Luthor, which means he doesn't do anything merely of his own free will, but must instead have twenty-seven extremely good reasons to move forward." Clark is drawing a chess board on Lex's chest as he states this.

"Kon doesn't think that way at all, Clark."

"Fine." Clark runs his hand down Lex's thigh. " I'll talk to him."

"I'd like my blowjob now, without strings attached."

"You're the one implying I'm whoring myself out to get things from you, not me."

"My dick still needs sucked."

"I'm kind of surprised you don't have a sex robot that looks like me around here somewhere."

"Since you don't seem to be of much use, I..._holy shit_..." Lex is quite happy about the fact that he can pull on Clark's hair as much as he wants.

Five minutes later, Clark has a really smug look on his face, and Lex is okay with the fact that he's losing horribly. _For now_. The rest of the week goes pretty well. They go out to dinner on Thursday, and accidentally break Lex's bed, and somehow Lex's nightstand gets set on fire. Clark goes to talk to Kon, asking him nicely to come to dinner with Lex again, and he promises that there will be no fighting.

On Friday, Kon shows up at Lex's penthouse, and looks between them in confusion. "What's going on?"

Lex smiles at him, and says, "Superman and I have settled some of our differences."

Kon pulls out his phone and waits a minute until Tim answers. "You remember that time you told me that Zatanna can erase memories? Can you call her and have her remove all of my memories of today?"

Tim says, "Maybe, why am I erasing all your memories?"

"I think my...I..." Kon puts his hand over the phone, like that will stop Clark from hearing him, to hiss into the phone, "I think Clark and Lex are screwing. They're probably going to confirm it, and I want to have a contingency plan in place right now."

There is a long moment of silence on the other end before Tim says, "Hold on, I have to call Bruce."

"What? Why?"

"To tell him this good news." Tim sounds very gleeful.

"You know, not that I'm not completely happy to give you something to torment Batman with, but can we concentrate on my needs here?"

"This could be a good thing, maybe Clark can distract Lex out of all of his evil plans, and we might have a chance of moving forward with some of Batman's larger ideas. Maybe Plan 58 could be put in effect." Tim types in some notes, it's a good plan, one that might wipe out homelessness on the East Coast.

"I don't know what the fuck that is, but maybe Lex will turn Clark evil, and then they'll take over the world! And I'll help, and become a prince, and get to take you as a sex slave. So there!" Kon frowns as Lex starts laughing, and Clark yells, "How many of the Titans are you sleeping with Kon?"

"...What?"

"Nothing. Call Zatanna."

"No. No, Kon, wait, you said..."

"I didn't say anything." Kon pauses. "I'm not sleeping with all of the Titans, Clark. How is that Lex's fault? WHAT? I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT. Tim, I'm coming over right now for that memory wipe. You'd better be there."

Tim stares at his phone for a minute and hangs it up. Kon's sex slave, huh? He pulls up some video of Kon in his room from last night, and ponders how to convince Cassie to share. She made a joke about a threesome last week.

Kon stares up at Clark, who is holding Kon's phone and saying something about immoral behavior. Kon grabs the phone back, and walks past Clark's gaping mouth to sit down next to Lex and say, "So my filthy slut behavior is inherited, huh? Since I won't remember this tomorrow, I want you to know that I kind of find that funny now."

"Clark has funny ideas about sexual partners, Kon. I'm not slutty. How many people have you slept with exactly?"

"Three."

"Soon to be four?" Lex asks as Clark chokes.

"Can you help me get Batman out of the way? Because I...hey, Clark can you leave for like five minutes?" Kon turns to see Clark turning red, and he shrugs. "I guess that's a no. I just need Batman distracted for enough time to get Tim and Cassie up to the Fortress."

"YOU ARE NOT USING MY FORTRESS TO HAVE KINKY SEX WITH WONDER GIRL AND ROBIN!"

"Or maybe distract Wonder Woman, Batman, and Clark?"

Lex puts his hand on Kon's shoulder, and Kon doesn't flinch at all. He smiles, and says, "Son, for you, I definitely can do that."

Clark starts swearing behind them in Kryptonian, and Lex wonders why it never occurred to him that he can use Kon against Clark in _much_ more hilarious ways than brute force. They both watch Clark stomp around the kitchen, and Lex notes, "You have my jawline, you know."

Kon nods. "I know." He looks over at Lex. "I don't want to hurt people. I don't want you to hurt people either."

"Not even if it's Batman?"

Kon suddenly looks very interested in his phone.

Lex thinks, 'This could work out for the side of good after all14.'

 

 

 

 

 

1) Lex can have a pony! Three even. You, not so much.

2) This is a reference to a meeting between Lex and Superman during the Manchester Black arc in 2003, where Lex asks Clark how he found him, and says that Superman tracked him by his heartbeat. Stalking done right.

3) In Teen Titans, Lex used pre-programmed Latin words to take over Kon's mind, resulting in Kon shaving his head, slashing an L into the S-shield on his shirt, and attacking the rest of the Titans. Kon beat Wonder Girl, his girlfriend, very badly, and broke Robin's arm in, I think, three places. [Raven healed Robin. Tim is Kon's BFF.]

4) The Krpytonian god of the Sun. Their mythology is even more hilarious than ours.

5) Superman/Batman, where Superman gets hit in the eye with a piece of Kryptonite, and he's wearing an eye patch. He comes over to talk to Batman, and Batman says, "No, you can't borrow my pirate ship." My first response was BATMAN HAS A PIRATE SHIP? It took me full minute to realize he had made a joke, because dude, it's Batman.

\- made by auroranq

6) Kid Flash, Wonder Girl, and Superboy were all in Smallville, and Bart thinks the town is boring, and calls Superman a hick, and Kon yells at him. Superman shows up later to help them take out some random dude, and Bart is nice to him, and Kon snidely says, "I thought you said he was a hick," and Bart answers, "He's still Superman." which I think sums up a lot of my personal feelings about Superman. He's a fucking prick, but it's still Superman. In the same comic, Kon says to Clark that people tell him that he looks like Clark, and Clark says that people are just being nice, and I think, PRICK. Clark could have been joking, but it's hard for me to tell.

7) When Kon was in Young Justice [a group that was pre-Teen Titans for Kon, that had Impulse, Robin, Wonder Girl, Arrowette, etc in it], he was the maintenance person at an apartment complex. The story line actually made very little sense - I have no idea why he didn't just live in the fucking YJ headquarters, which was incredibly nice, but I guess it was better than sleeping in the shower.

8) This is a reference to this story by Kantayra - Free Blowjobs from Superman- located here: http://http://absolut-lex.livejournal.com/26814.html  
If you have not read this story - stop reading mine and go read that instead - it contains one of the best joke set-ups I've ever seen.

NOTE: Gozer warned me the previous link was some kind of virus fest! THANK YOU! I am so sorry about that - I haven't updated any of this since I published it a few years ago originally. Please let me know immediately if something like that ever happens. Thank you.

9) If for some reason you do not know that Kon-el is canonically Superman and Lex Luthor's child, I am happy to be the one to inform you of this. It is number five on my list of favorite things to do.

10) In case this isn't clear - Lex is referring to Clark as Superman out-loud because Clark is in costume at the restaurant--Clark Kent can't be at dinner with Superboy and Lex Luthor. You know when I run Superboy through spell check it says Superb, I wonder if that's why and made that Superboy's new nickname in Drake for America? Update: I can't currently find the fic! Sorry! Read that fic people if you know where it is! It is my favorite DCU fic.

11) Capt. Marvel yells the wizard Shazam's name to turn from Billy Batson, I think most people know that? Shazam's power comes from the Rock of Eternity, that guards the seven deadly sins, pride, envy, etc...When the Scepter killed Shazam, he broke up the Rock, and the Seven Sins rained down on Gotham. I think this is what Clark would think of if he was thinking of Pandora's box. That hope is what keeps humans going even though they know it's really just a layer over all the harm that awaits you. You hope things will get better, but you know your own doom is probably waiting inside you.

If you're interested in the comic story, look up Shadowpact and Tracie 13 on Wikipedia, and that will direct you pretty well I think.

12) Reference to Maybe, Baby, a fic by Jas masson - http://smallville.slashdom.net/archive/18/maybebaby.html

13) Personally, I feel there are worse situations to find yourself in than being ruled by someone who is hot, smart, competent, and loves you above all things.

14) Are you sure Lex isn't right about Clark?


	2. Superman, defeated?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section is for Khonen1

I am 150% sure the Tim/Kon of this universe would go something like:

Kon calls up Cassie to ask her if he and Tim are allowed to have sex without her being present. When she answers the phone, Kon can hear a bunch of girls in the background.

"Hello?"

"Hey, babe. I was wondering if you could fly over to Gotham tonight?"

"Why?"

"Well. I'm here. Tim's here. So we were kind of hoping you could be here. Soonish."

In the background, Cissie says, "Cassie, who are you talking to? Greta wants us to go to Hot Topic next, and then I want to hit a Jamba Juice. Are you going to be long?"

Cassie puts her hand over the phone. "Just give me a minute." She gets back on, and says, "Kon, you can totally screw Tim without my help, we're at the mall and I need some new shoes. My last pair of cool boots got melted when we fought that stupid half-dragon, Priuson. Maybe I'll stop by later."

Kon asks, "Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Are you planning on leaving me for Tim? I bet that would last a whole five minutes before one of you tried to set the other on fire, and by this I mean Tim, setting you on fire."

"No, I wasn't planning anything! I just, look, I don't want to get in trouble."

"No trouble, Kon. Have fun, make him your bitch. I've got to go, Cissie is giving me dirty looks." Cassie waves at Cissie, "I'm talking to Kon! Yeah, we're having a thing with Tim now. I don't care if you think that's unfair. NO! DO NOT TELL GRETA! Dammit. Kon, I've got to go." Cassie hangs up the phone to chase after Cissie, who is giggling a little too much as she runs down the course way of the mall.

Kon puts down the phone and looks at Tim. "She said to make you my bitch so..."

Tim grins, and crooks his finger at Kon, who climbs up on the bed in a hurry.

The next day, Cassie is over at the farm, and Kon hands her a DVD.

"What's this, sweetie?"

"A present Tim made for you."

"Ah." She grins and tucks it into her bag. "You know Greta yelled at me last night? Her and Cissie said they both should be dating Tim."

"You explained about the gay right?"

"Yeah. I told them Tim was really just dating your cock, not you or me. They got over it and asked for pictures. I told them no, so I'm pretty sure they are both going through my stuff as we speak."

"That's cool."

"How's Tim?"

"I'd say he's my bitch, but he'd probably fucking hear me. I think he has my clothes bugged." Kon tries to x-ray himself and fails once again. "Did you get your shoes?"

"Yeah. You'll get to see them later."

"Oh?" Kon looks at Cassie, who runs her hand up his arm. "_Oh!_ Yeah, okay." His grin is blinding.

"You know we control your life now right?"

"I'm not really sad about it or anything." They sit on the roof and look up at sky for awhile. "You know Tim doesn't have a gag reflex?"

Cassie starts to laugh. "We're watching that disc as soon as we get to your room."

"My room at the Titan Tower, right? Cause I'm not doing anything like that in the bed Clark used to freaking sleep in. Plus, Aunt Martha is right downstairs and..." Kon is cut off as Cassie kisses him, and pulls her bag, and Kon up into the air. They break apart and she whispers, "Air San Francisco at your service." They kiss again, and Kon slides his hand down onto her ass, just as he hears someone clearing their throat behind them.

He turns around to see Clark floating there with a scowl on his face. "Shit."

"Kon, what are you doing?"

Kon's face contorts as he tries several different responses in his head, and discards them. Cassie says, "I'm going to show him my etchings. Can we help you with anything?"

Clark frowns deeply before saying, "Kon, you really can't be dating two people at once. Batman knows, and he's going to come looking for you eventually."

"Batman is kind of busy a lot though, isn't he? Tim says he's out of town all the time." Kon stops for a second, and then adds, "Plus, I thought people who were dating super-villains weren't allowed to judge others? Isn't that a rule, Cassie?"

"It totally is a rule. We have a TT handbook, and it's rule number four. Kory said something about Roy Harper when I asked her about it." Cassie shifts her bag to her other arm and laces her fingers through Kon's, hoping Clark will get the damn point.

"I'm dating your _father_, Kon, not some random guy who tried to kill Aquaman a few times." Clark huffs.

"Same difference. We were headed out, so we'll see you later. There's pie in the kitchen, Aunt Martha just made it." Kon says as he and Cassie attempt to move further away in the sky.

"You're not distracting me with pie this time."

"It worked the other three times. I have to keep going with a winner move like that."

Cassie groans. "You're not going to mention your TTK next, are you?"

Kon looks at her, hurt. "No. I can't help it my power is awesome. I can remind you what I did with it last week that you might not be getting again if you want to mock..."

Cassie slaps her hand over his mouth. "I take it back, okay? Your power is the greatest on earth. It moves mountains. Clark, seriously, we're leaving. Bye. Have some pie, unwind, go bug your boyfriend. Later."

They fly off as Clark sulks. No one listens to him. Lex won't even blackmail Kon into behaving! He floats down to the ground and walks in the door, dejected. At least his mom still loves him. Not that she's any help with Kon either. He tried to talk to Jor-el about it, but Jor-el just seemed proud. Clark didn't need to know the Kryptonian word for stud. Seriously. He didn't. He calls Batman to say, "Sorry, I'm still not getting anywhere."

Batman answers, "It doesn't matter. Tim and I had a talk. He may do as he pleases."

"WHAT?"

"I have to go." Batman hangs up the phone.

Clark stares at the phone in horror. What the hell did Tim _do?_ He calls Lex and says, "I think Robin took control of Batman's mind. You didn't help him, did you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Clark. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go meet with someone who is in no way named Tim Drake. I'll see you later."

"DO NOT MAKE HIM EVIL! LEX! DAMMIT!" Clark drops the phone onto the table and buries his face in his hands. His mother comes over and pats his hair.

"Honey, do you want some pie?"

He mumbles, "Yes," into the table. He gives up. Even Superman can't win against the inevitable. Then he remembers! He sits up, grabs his phone, and makes a quick call.

"Hello? Dick? I have a favor to ask of you..."


End file.
